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Putting The Care In Caregiving

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 25, 2009

Believe me, it's not always easy being a caring caregiver. Helping a handicapped or ill person accomplish some task is the easy part. Being pleasant while doing it is the hard part. At least it was for me. I remember one time when my late husband Ron had awakened me for about the sixth time one night to help him get his leg back in bed. I was so sleep-deprived, I thought about pushing the rest of him out of the bed, so he could sleep on the floor and I could get some rest. I, of course, didn't do it. Ron's left leg was so badly swollen and heavy from fluid retention that he couldn't keep it in bed and couldn't get it back in bed without help.

There comes a time when, even if you love a person, you can be so over-tired and frustrated that you feel like doing something harmful and/or cruel. While morally wrong, those acts are also illegal, so you try to smile through your frustration and be caring. I played a little game with myself when I was cleaning up vomit or diarrhea, for example. I would try to remember all the things I admired about Ron when I first knew him. It kept my task at hand somewhat out of mind and helped me forgive him for something he couldn't help. Remember, your patient might be grouchy when he or she doesn't feel well, don't take it personally; just be glad that you're not the patient. That got me through episodes of ugliness.

Probably the most important rule for you as a caregiver is to think of yourself first. This sounds very selfish, but you can only be a good caregiver if you're well and happy. And I have no idea of its accuracy, but there's a saying that a large percentage of caregivers die first. My opinion is that some die because of the incredible strain and the others die because it's the easiest way out. You should definitely keep up your healthy practices and keep up with your annual exams. And you should have time away for hobbies, entertainment, or socializing to keep yourself happy.

I was lucky in my care of Ron. I talked with him about the benefit to him and to me of my staying well and happy. He was smart enough to agree to my having a life outside of care giving. And his illnesses were the kind where he could be left alone for several hours. I did go and do a lot of volunteer work. I would always try to be home for meals. If I couldn't, I would prepare a cold meal and leave it in an ice chest by his recliner along with a liter of soft drink, and a urinal. I tried to be gone only morning, afternoon or night in any one day.

If you can't leave your patient, then check into ways to get help. Some services cost money, and others don't. There are a myriad of in-home care businesses; it was my experience that most of them cost about $20 an hour, with a minimum of four hours. That gets expensive really fast. Instead, I would trade services with a friend. Prepare a take-home dinner for him/her if he/she will watch TV with your patient for three hours while you go to the fitness center, for example. If you have a spouse with Alzheimer's disease, the Alzheimer's Respite Care Auxiliary in Sun City Center will stay with your spouse up to 50 hours a year. The United Methodist Church here in town provides an Adult Activities Center. For a small charge, Certified Nursing Assistants will take care of your loved one for several hours in the church, providing snack and activities for him or her. If you have children or grandchildren near, be sure to ask them to take a turn.

Here are a few tips for taking care of a weak, ill, or handicapped person. Be sure to attend some physical therapy sessions with the patient. I found these extremely useful at first when Ron needed much assistance. They explain the proper way to help a person up from a chair and with other everyday activities that will give the most benefit to the patient but will put the least strain on you. Be sure to ask the doctor what Medicare-covered services he or she can order for you. For example, when Ron had sores on his feet, I was spending a small fortune on bandages, ointments, tape, etc. I asked the doctor if he could give me some samples. He did better by prescribing a medical supply company to deliver everything I needed to take care of Ron's feet. That definitely saved a lot of money. Also, be sure to visit a medical supply store and see all the equipment and gadgets available to help you and the patient. For example, there are long shoehorns, sock "horns", raised toilet seats, grabbers, one-handed knives, etc. The list of useful items goes on and on. This will allow the patient to do a lot of things for him- or herself.

Finally, take friends with you to visit at the nursing home - it helps you, the patient, and the friend, who might want to visit, but not alone. A woman I met in the elevator asked me how I could stand to spend so much time in the nursing home. She said she found it incredibly boring. I told her to take low-concentration work to do in the hospital or nursing home - ill patients aren't the most scintillating conversationalists. Suggestions include clipping coupons, opening mail, skimming magazines, working simple crossword puzzles, making "to do" lists, writing a grocery list, etc. You can talk to the patient while doing these things.

A thanks to my readers for letting me try out my care giving speech on them. Hopefully, I can put my recent sadness behind me now and move on to some fun topics.

Rosie Clifton, the author of "Kissing Lots of Frogs -- A Long Journey to Love," may be reached at www.rosieclifton.com. Her new book, "Mild, Wild, & Wacky," is due out in mid-summer 2009. It contains columns, memoirs and short stories.

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