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A Reluctant Speech

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 18, 2009

A local friend called to ask if I would give a talk at a meeting of a national group of retirees. Having spoken around town a few times, I threw out some ideas of fun topics for her to pick from. "No," she said, "I want you to speak on caregiving."

I protested, saying, "I'm not a professional caregiver and have never had any training. What I know I learned by trial and error, the hard way."

"Precisely; that's why I want you to speak. A lot of folks in this town will end up for some period of their lives being caregivers. Perhaps you can keep them from making the same mistakes you did. Somehow it's more believable from someone who's been there." Convinced, I set out to write a 20-minute speech and have decided to share parts of it in this column, while it's fresh on my mind.

Some of the things I'm going to say might be offensive to you. Others you might not understand. And you will probably find fault with me for some of my ideas. Hopefully, though, you'll get something out of the topic - ideas that will assist you if you're ever put in the role of caregiver or need empathy for a caregiving friend.

I married my husband Ron 12 years ago. He became ill three weeks after our wedding and had various degrees of illness ever after - sometimes at home and sometimes in the hospital or nursing home. In order of occurrence he had diabetes, partial foot amputation, stroke, inoperable crippling back problems, congestive heart failure, prostate cancer, kidney weakness, broken hip, and finally bed sores, which were so bad, they led to infection throughout his body and finally to his death this past December.

The awareness that life had changed for me started to come after early on, I tried to take a four-day trip with Ron. After his partial foot amputation, he had to be in a "push" wheelchair. Regardless, we decided to go to picturesque Nashville, Ind., to enjoy the beautiful fall foliage. That trip was so difficult for me that I silently swore never to travel again. That in itself made me sad, as one of my retirement goals was to travel, and already I was discovering I couldn't even travel an hour and a half for a short vacation.

After stewing over the failed trip for a few days, I said to myself, "This is ridiculous. You had a job which required constant problem-solving. Analyze this problem and put a fix on it. Why deny yourself traveling?" So I listed about 20 problems I ran into and came up with a solution for each one. For example, I found pushing Ron in the wheelchair through the long carpeted halls in hotels to be very tiring and time consuming. After I thought about that, the answer was simple. We should stay in motel rooms whose doors open right onto the parking lot. Problem solved!

And that's what we did for a couple years until he got an electric scooter. Every problem turned out to have a fairly simple solution. So I guess my first advice to you is don't be defeated by a handicap - just live by the old adage, "Where there's a will, there's a way."

My second realization that life might not be too swell for me came after Ron had his stroke. We talked one day about how all of our pre-marriage dreams had been dashed. I became fairly depressed over this but felt guilty because, after all, Ron was the one suffering from a stroke, why should I be down if he's not?

Being a believer in psychotherapy, I found a local counselor to help me deal with the depression. This professional said that I had every right to feel depressed - that a stroke affects everyone in the family. For months I sought counsel. The therapist allowed me to feel sorry for myself, so that I wouldn't in front of Ron, and helped me solve our problems.

I continued to attend counseling for several months. At one time I was so down, the psychotherapist discussed with me the option . . . believe it or not, to leave Ron. I was told that no person should give up his or her life and/or health to care for another person. I said I was in for the long haul, that I believe in the "for better or for worse" in my marriage vows. This mental health professional said, "Then you had better make the best compromise you can."

My second tip for you is to seek counsel. It doesn't matter whether it's a professional therapist or a support group, get help somewhere from someone who understands what you're going through. In my next column I will discuss other caregiving subjects, including the "compromise" I made.

Rosie Clifton is an author and resident of Sun City Center.

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