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Still Learning After All These Years

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: October 22, 2008

What had earned me his recognition, his admiration, his uncharacteristic gesture of approval? Had I hung up on a telemarketer? Complained to a company about unsatisfactory service? Finally gotten angry and expressed my feelings at the time I felt them? All these would have been unusual for me.

No, I had met an even greater challenge. I had just said goodbye to my son who was leaving to spend a month doing research and attending a conference in the Philippines and I hadn't reminded, warned or advised him about a single thing.

My triumph was no accident. I had spent many weeks thinking about this phone call, planning for it, practicing it in my head. To really understand the magnitude of this accomplishment, you have to know a little more about my son and me. He's 39, bright, driven to learn and know about almost everything. But I could see him leaving for this trip with a backpack bursting with books and no underwear. I'm 67, organized, focused and genetically anxious - the kind of mother who was prone to ask as we left for family vacations with the kids, "Did you take the directions? Do you have your medicine? Who locked the door?"

Raised by parents who loved through worry, I was predisposed to remind and warn my son that the world is a dangerous place. Each time I left my parents' home, until the day each died, their parting words to me were, "Be careful." I swore, as we all do, that I would not do this to my children.

But not doing it is hard. Habits are hard to break, even if they are our parents' habits, not our own. A half-century role model is not easy to ignore. It takes planning, organization and determination.

So I counted down the days until the phone call. I thought about what I would say and how I would say it. I knew he had his plane tickets. I knew he had a place to stay for only the first night. I knew he didn't know a single soul in the Philippines. I knew he didn't speak Tagalog.

On the day he was to fly from California to Taiwan and then on the Manila, he called from the airport. I was braced and ready.

"Have a great adventure!" I told him. "This is so exciting!" I affirmed. "Take a big bite out of life!" I enthused.

I could feel the brakes smoking on my mother-warning wheels. "Don't do it," I reminded myself. "Please don't do it!"

And then my wonderful son made it fine, made the angst disappear for a welcome minute.

"And Mom," he said with just a hint of irony and understanding as he ran through his plans, "I met a Philippina (woman) at Berkeley and she drew me pictures of the signs on the men's and women's room at the airport since I don't speak Tagalog and they don't use international symbols there."

I felt my body relax. In the midst of the pressure to prepare for the conference and pack all his worldly goods for an entire month into a rather small backpack, he still knew and remembered and was kind to his mother.

Judy Kramer may be reached at JudyandOz@tampabay.rr.com.

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